Checking in, trying to remember the awesome feelings from last night, not wanting to forget the power of the moment while we, the rabbonim, sang Hatikva; united in the One. Getting off the phone with Simmone, trying to be supportive knowing her path is not easy. I pray for peace of mind for her and clarity of vision to help her son. I will make an effort to see Celia this week and each week for a while. Marcia says she is not getting stronger. Thinking of all the people in the world who I want to give attention to; will I please put me on the list. Taking care of the money for Mona is high priority. I want not to go to yoga this morning and if I do not, I feel, I will pass into couch potato with the next breath.

Trying to explain to Andi what it felt like tonight to be a rabbi among other rabbi's and to feel the power of these men, the ancient wisdom; the power is not might by depth, enormity of love and devotion, i am so much in awe and honored as they are to be walking with me. Eli was sweet and cheeked me. I told Andi being a rabbi was like walking on the edge of the ocean feeling the water around my feet, smelling the air and feeling the kisses of the waves and tonight it was like a huge wave overcame me and enveloped me in love and i was included in the holy circle of these men, someday i will feel that with women rabbi and for tonight this will satisfy my soul.

help, i need help this thing does not work

Well, here I am in answer to the question 'where are you?' I am here, clear, waiting for the food to kick in so my blood sugar will even out. So many hours without eating is a no, no and I know better. However, I was so caught up with this morning's exercise that I forgot to bring food and eat something during the am.
Shechekhianu, I was welcomed into the Jewish community this morning by the Young Jewish Leaders with Johan creating a path for me. I am in awe of how well it went, how not intimidated I was and how easy it was to engage them in conversation and speak with them about Hebrew Wisdom. To share some of what I know and what I learned from my teachers. I am happy, wanting more affirmations and yet truly thanking G!D for sending me off into the wilderness to experience the mystery of life. I was smart to go. If I keep walking the path Who knows what will happen. I even considered doing this for other organizations within the Jewish world. Was not one fo the dreams, to build community within the community? To do some o f the healing that needs to be done in my world. Alina's affirmations were helpful also to remind me of all my options if I think there are only one or two. If I leave or if I stay there are multiple options.
The weekend with Gershom and Miriam was perfect; grounding me in Hebrew wisdom and the Hebrew language. I have lots of notes and will integrate them into my repetoire. Coming in new to an already created community takes patience and not allowing the mind to set upwalls. It works, I was myself and I am pleased with my decision even though there were moments of doubt. Oh, that darm Amalek, what does he know about my ability to love myself and strengthen my soul's journey.
So making plans to see Sheila, my good buddy from high school. She sounds just like she did in high school. I am sure she does not look the same. It will be fun aligning the two images. So next weekend looks like fun. I am cautioned to stay present, yet the mind ran off to next weekend missing the whole week of fun. Oh, well, at least I connected with Sheila and we will get together for lunch. G!D willing.
So there is today and tonight. Finishing a project and going to Minyan for Chico and carrying the Torah with the other rabbanim of the Triad. What a holy day this has turned out to be. How blessed I am to be alive. Tears well: I am beginning to find out what home feels like. Another circle of being welcomed into after years of being in the desert. I notice that I have swallowed harda nd that the throat is constricted as it narrows the connection between my head and my body. G!D bless me and all whom I love for yet another moment in time. Halleuyah.

Bokar Tov, Good morning, sweet woman, how wonderful to finally connect, you were persistent, yes I was, I wanted to make sure I connected to you today before I left town. I want to make this a daily connection; writing to you will be important to stay in integrity with myself about doing the things I love; writing.

So many things to write about; my dad continues to use me to tell me about the terrible things he is hearing in his head, he does not realize they are not true and my mom has to love with him and keep him calm, I wonder how long he will respond to her calm listening atitude. Forever is my hope.

Deliah and Ellen, my sister healers, were in my life by phone and it feels s good. I miss the Yiddish connection and need to make it happen more often. Doing things outside the Jewish world is good yet I need to be nurtured by Yiddishkite big time. I need to make sure that it happens not just in my studying but in my connections.

My client yesterday was uncomfortable with the word 'relationships' . He preferred to use the word 'connection'. When I write to my clients I think about connections and how making it with them. In terms of the web of life that I am building I need to notice that they too are a part of that web. Like the woman and three men on Wednesday,WOW!! Is all I can say. G!D was there and we surely knew it. I guess I need to be sure that G!D is with me on Sunday, stop worrying She always shows up. Like the house blessing we did afterward I thought I could have done this and I could have done that, what I did was perfect and what comes from what we did is the healing.

so I am off to Charlottesville and very happy I am going. I get away, I get to drive for a while in silence, I get to be with the holy rebbe Geshom and his holy woman Miriam and I get to rest away for all this. Shabbat Yes.

Another month of travel and visits along with busy weeks. Take time for me, feel good in my body and love your G!D, TZiP, that is all you have to do.

Reb TGIF, Bokar Tov, sweet woman. I surely had mixed emotions about getting up today. Yet the drive to complete what I start and stay in integrity with myself won.
And so I answered the phone call and said yes to working this AM instead of catching up with all my work and notes etc. Money is something I need and yet I do not want it to be a false God to me. I take a deep breath, stop worrying I say to myself, all will be OK. I remember this morning feeling feeling the awesome connection to the Divine as I remembered I am well taken care of. Baruch HaShem.

Reb TZiPi
What a day!! I felt so alive and full of the ability to push my body beyond the pale. I felt so frisky and young. I love being around these extraordinary people who love their bodies. And when the music started to play I could only feel the deep connectedness to the Source of All Creation and needed to stop and be in awe of this deep link to all of life. Modah Ahni, how grateful I am for this life.
Then Ilana called with an anxiety attack; how was she going to care for the baby? And Andrea told Urbie and he does not want me to move there. What beautiful women I have given birth to who want me in their life and let me love them.
Who would have thought on the day when I will mourn with the community and honor the man who left a legacy of love. This is life; all of it.

Reb TZiPi
Good morning, my Beloved, it was so good to yoga with you and see that impermanece exists and my skills and strength are developing. I am so hard on myself and so loving and forgiving of others. Amalek is alive and well when I create space for doubt of my goodness to exist. I will not cull myself when I do not live up to some standards I cannot meet today. Lovingkindness is the theme of the week, week one of counting th Omer and so my intention is to hold that theme in my heart.

Abby and Gilah in my life. Asking for what I want to my daughters for my birthday; maybe being a role model for asking for what I want. A camera, a Ipod and a new bike will come my way soon enough.

Aunt Gloria is dead and I am still wondering where I am in all that. Going to where she drowned was helpful and yet there seems to be more closure to come. Maybe I want to move through the pain too quickly like my father and his mind. I keep focusing on his saying he will die in September and wishing it were here already so the pain would end. The pain will not end. I might as well walk through it. The pain of loss of my beloved father is so huge I would blow away the ocean to the next continent with one scream. I am needing to take a deep breath with that one. Death, an end to a dream, an illusion of this life, a beginning of love.

Aunt Gloria is dead and I am still wondering where I am in all that. Going to where she drowned was helpful and yet there seems to be more closure to come. Maybe I want to move through the pain too quickly like my father and his mind. I keep focusing on his saying he will die in September and wishing it were here already so the pain would end. The pain will not end. I might as well walk through it. The pain of loss of my beloved father is so huge I would blow away the ocean to the next continent with one scream. I am needing to take a deep breath with that one. Death, an end to a dream, an illusion of this life, a beginning of love.

Life is full and I am trying to figure out how to walk and not to just keep running; trying or just filling all the white space in my life with doing something. Like right now. I could be meditating or just lying down and resting. It is close to bed time. What is my issue here?

I was so rushed today that I backed my car into a dumpster in the parking lot at work. And I was not even earning money to pay for the damage! I wanted to try to fit everything in and I was not in a good place physically. That seems to be the issue lately; eating, food. Getting enough protein and not eating so much that I am uncomfortable.

So what else is going on? Well let us have a whining session!!! I have to laugh for as soon as I wrote that my mind went completely blank. Now what does that mean?

My birthday party was a huge success. What made it that way? Lots of things including it was G!D's idea and I just followed orders. It was fun, lots of wonderful neat people came, they had a good time and I honored HaShem; freedom and love the key thoughts to the future.

I have not stopped hot flashing into the last few days. All that money and supplements and it still happens. It is hot here even with the air on. What to do!!

OK, so I am anxious about this job I am applying to and thinking at the same time about what I can do to ground myself here. One foot in each camp. I have to make a living for myself as a rabbi and as a coach. I have some ideas if I stay and yet there seems to be so many distractions. Keeping this all in is difficult; telling someone you love them while getting ready to leave. This is not an honest relationship.

So the job; how do I let them know all about me? How do I tell them I am not as heterosexual as I appear. I am not sure what that means. How do I out myself and keep my dignity without shoving it in their face. How do I keep feeling good about myself while feeling the edges of competition and not being good enough?

Running a marathon is a big deal. My heart has to be checked out first. Wow the possibility of a coach to help me.

In the next few weeks I will be more out as a rabbi than in the last three months. I do not doubt G!D's presence in my life. Whining is helpful to get out the stuff and then just let go.