Life is full and I am trying to figure out how to walk and not to just keep running; trying or just filling all the white space in my life with doing something. Like right now. I could be meditating or just lying down and resting. It is close to bed time. What is my issue here?

I was so rushed today that I backed my car into a dumpster in the parking lot at work. And I was not even earning money to pay for the damage! I wanted to try to fit everything in and I was not in a good place physically. That seems to be the issue lately; eating, food. Getting enough protein and not eating so much that I am uncomfortable.

So what else is going on? Well let us have a whining session!!! I have to laugh for as soon as I wrote that my mind went completely blank. Now what does that mean?

My birthday party was a huge success. What made it that way? Lots of things including it was G!D's idea and I just followed orders. It was fun, lots of wonderful neat people came, they had a good time and I honored HaShem; freedom and love the key thoughts to the future.

I have not stopped hot flashing into the last few days. All that money and supplements and it still happens. It is hot here even with the air on. What to do!!

OK, so I am anxious about this job I am applying to and thinking at the same time about what I can do to ground myself here. One foot in each camp. I have to make a living for myself as a rabbi and as a coach. I have some ideas if I stay and yet there seems to be so many distractions. Keeping this all in is difficult; telling someone you love them while getting ready to leave. This is not an honest relationship.

So the job; how do I let them know all about me? How do I tell them I am not as heterosexual as I appear. I am not sure what that means. How do I out myself and keep my dignity without shoving it in their face. How do I keep feeling good about myself while feeling the edges of competition and not being good enough?

Running a marathon is a big deal. My heart has to be checked out first. Wow the possibility of a coach to help me.

In the next few weeks I will be more out as a rabbi than in the last three months. I do not doubt G!D's presence in my life. Whining is helpful to get out the stuff and then just let go.