Reb TZiPi

Five in the morning, ready for the day; praying for Divine intervention, Aunt Gloria has been found and my heart is sad; more than sad it is broken and i am on my knees looking to gather all the peices. God help us all. this grief process is fascinating and i am learning soooo much; the restlessness is interesting how it diverts the focus from caring, loving myself. I will take time to indulge me; she would want it that way.

Reb TZiPi

It is too early in the morning to be awake; yet the restlessness is present, so I write. On the e-mail there were two love notes delivered to me last nigth; one from Suzanne and the other from Mia. I am in awe and humbled by the love available to me at any givien moment. How my G!D constantly reminds me of my goodness and all the possibilities of love in each breath. She will not allow Amalek to rest long within my groin corrupting my connectionwith You.

So I will return to the bed and take this love reflected in the eyes of those who remind me of my Divineness and will send love to Aunt Gloria where ever she is.

Reb TZiPi

I cannot continue being this blog without writing about my Aunt Gloria, whom I hope is not of blessed memory; however until I know where she is for real I can only imagine her safe, with her ancestors who have passed before her.
My heart aches with the not knowing and the possibility that she has been in pain of anxiety and withdrawn into herself where she cannot know her once happy self. And selfishly I can no longer visit her and let her know I love her. Yet her life was not joyful since Marty died and if this brings her freedom and love then it is a gift from G!D. I have dreamed, gathered the family, asked for prayers and now I have a map and picture of her where I can view it and never forget her Presence. G~d, help her please to heal her soul. I see other mircasle happenning around me and I feel that I have not done enough and there must be a miracle somewhere for her. What would one miracle look like for Gloria Abrams Frank? Has one happenned already and if so why do we not know?

This ambiguous loss is unending, there is no horizon in view. And our connection with the police has slowed to long pauses.
Yet I will continue to do what I need to do, to live my life so she would be proud of me and will laugh with her when I can remember to move through the pain to the blessings. And then what is the lesson of this pain; to be kind, to love deeply, to demand truth in all relationships especially of myself.

Sunday after a restful Shabbat and I am up again early to run and walk. I am ready to clear out the clutter and begin with the baskets that sits by the toilet.

I read again the theme that is nurturing my soul; together, mutuality, working with instead of just telling people what to do, you do it together; 'you have to work for the sake of the commmunity, not for your own sake'. Buber, Heyward, Servant Leadership, Conscious Community. It is all there and all telling me co-create, do not do it all yourself, you-only child- Aries-one. I have found some mentors and play buddies and need to be mindfull and grateful.

I feel the burden of life roll of my shoulders. I see hope for the world and therefore for me as an essential cell in the Tree of Life. I can be a Jew and a coach working with all kinds of people and offering a partnership to help heal the world of the pains of being stuck in alienation or ego centered thinking. yes I am what the world was created for and I am just dust; being humble menas holding this intention and not stopping.

My teachers are everywhere. I remember the prayer Kaddish D'Rabinan, the blessings for all our teachers, 'and most of all I learn from my students.' I begin to look around at who have been my teachers lately; Charles, Kayla, Andrea, Ilana, Ilise, Antoine, Debra...coachee, friends, daughters, cousins, dance intructor. All these young people teaching me; tears rise in the ducts, my heart pounds, and I breath deep to hold onto this moment just a little bit longer.

Truth always makes me cry; these poeple who I think I am their teacher because I am older or they hired me to be their coach are in truth my teachers; so I must let down my guard down, stop trying to know it all and open to the truth of the moment.

How can I expect them to grow like I think I am helping them to do if I do not model what I am asking them to do. I must listen to them, learn from them so they can see how powerful they are in the world, too. Teachers of young children know that. I am grateful I am finally open to seeing this; maybe my still neck is becoming more resilient. May everyone be so blessed to be be given another chance to humbled by love.